Say My Name

I always think this is it; I can't take it anymore; I can't do this, I don't want to, I won't. But in the end, I always take some more; I always keep trying; my threshold hasn't been hit yet.  Being with him somehow ends up being more important than the pain. Even though the pain never ends. Every day a little more settles on top. I don't know how I do it anymore. I don't know how I calm down and remember I don't want to be alone. There is no worse disappointment than realizing someone you love more than anything doesn't deserve that love afterall. Your rough edged rebel with the heart of gold turned out to be harboring some cheap gold plated piece of coal inside. Every good glimmer you pan for is just more fool's gold mocking your love, your devotion, your hope. You can't keep track of all the lies. He may not even know the difference anymore. There's no where to run. You cannot hide. You can struggle, you can fight, you can try to claw, climb and dig your way out of the hole but there is no escape. Even if you got out, you'd come running back. 

All good things come to an end...but is that really necessary?

Why exactly must all good things come to an end? I mean, if it was necessarily to make room for better things, ok, that's great then but why is it that we expect, we know, if we are wise, that from the start of anything, it will inevitably come to an end? Should we not go into it with the shred of hope that somehow it will endure? Is it even possible for something to last? Should anything last forever? It feels like it should.

Well I did it

I went back and viewed my old posts. Some were worse than others, but overall I got one distinct impression. As unhappy as I thought I was back then...it doesn't even compare to how I feel now. That legitimately scares me. I have been in a few really bad places before. The fact that I can clearly see how well I was holding on then...and how poorly I am holding on now...makes me worry. Maybe blogging is going to help get out some of that fog that's sitting inside me and obscuring everything so I can't think, can't work through how I feel, can't ground myself.

On a different note, saw this line in an old post:

"If you get bitten in the ass by Luna Lovegood, lovey good things will happen to you." 

Now that is gold. 

It's been quite a long time

I am under no impression that being older and hopefully wiser will have heightened my chances of readers. The death of this blog came years ago at a time in which I didn't need a blog. I had friends, I had people I could talk to, perhaps not my every thought and secret, but people to say something to. Now, it's 2015 and I have no one, no family, no friends, no one to share with. Now I need this blog. If only to feel almost like I am speaking to someone. No one is there, that's certain enough. I'm not like one of those people who make a blog or youtube videos and end up with their own tv show. If anything, I'm more a deranged college drop out pretending they're talking to real people to make themselves feel better. I'm a little worried about browsing my old posts. If I recall, I was a freshman in college the last time I used this blog, when there were still little hopes and dreams floating in my periphery like little beacons leading me forward even when I was sure there was no where to go. But they've long since vanished and left me standing in this one place, scared, alone, shaken, broken. A few months back, my father died. We lost our house shortly after. I'm holding up in Sacramento now, hometown has been left behind but it didn't hurt as much as I expected because as it turns out all these years, my supreme attachment to it wasn't that I was born and raised there. Sure, I love it for that, but my attachment to it was my friends, the people I thought were my real family. But in the end, blood and chosen both walked out on me. Now it's just the town I was born in. Not a place I need to be to be whole. Now I could live anywhere. Because I have nothing to tie me anywhere. Well, I could live anywhere if I could afford it. I think I will have to move this time next year, truth be told. Rent is high. I never envisioned this kind of loneliness again. Only it's worse now, with my dad gone. We had our issues (mostly that we were too much alike) but he was my constant. My mom left us. My sister left us. But my daddy never left me, not until he died. I watched him die. I wish I hadn't. There was no goodbye, no time to say anything. I wish I could have thanked him for always being there for me, even if I wasn't the best daughter, he was the best dad in the world. My one source of unconditional love. Now, I'm a broke bitch with depression and anger issues and oddly enough all these years I thought secretly that everyone's love was entirely conditional, I wasn't wrong. I look around and find myself standing here entirely alone. My so called family is gone, my so called friends are gone, not even a text or a FB message to pretend as though they aren't. My closest friends now are people I have never met and by closest I mean, we occasionally chat over a post on Facebook. Overwhelmingly close, that. Everywhere I look I see pictures and reminders of the things I've lost. I don't know how to not see them, I can't get rid of them, it would hurt too much. As if the memory of love can hold me over for the rest of my existence. Only was it ever love at all if it was so easy to leave? My family just up and left, never spoke another word, clean cut, and I can live with that. But my friends? No official goodbye, it's more like oh yeah, we're still friends, totally, even if we never want to see you again, never talk to you, and won't even pay you more notice than random people online we don't even know. Have I mentioned we've been friends for the past decade? My crime? Depression. I guess I'm bringing them down. I get that. Don't want me around, sure. But cutting me off entirely and copping out of it at the same time by not admitting that's what it is? Yeah, ok. I have my dogs and my cats...4 of the former and 2 of the latter. There's the oldest, Shiloe, she is my willful old lady. She pretends to be deaf and does whatever she wants. I kind of let her half the time because she's 14 and she has cancer, though she manages to be quite sprightly when she wants to be. Jake is my old man, Shiloe's son, he is 10. He is a nightmare. He never listens. Barks at everyone. But he is the most loyal dog on the planet. Tootse is next, she is 6, Jake's daughter, Shiloe's granddaughter. She is my little angel. Little yappy though, but so cute, you forget that. All purebred rat terriers, those three. Then there's my chihuahua, Salem. Adorable nuisance. Wants to be the alpha, very sneaky about it. Should have named him Loki. He's 3. Then there's the babies, my kittens, Trick and Stitch. Gorgeous black ragdoll mixes. My only really well behaved pets. Trick is beautiful. His coat is red underneath, very fluffy. He is also massive. 5 months old and he is bigger than some full grown cats I've had. That's my family, those 6. As you can imagine, none of them talk back. The more I have no one to talk to, the crazier I feel, and the closer to exploding I feel. Which brings me back to the point of this blog post. I need the blog now. I need to talk. Even if I'm really just talking to myself. 

Hello, dear Apocalypse, where have you been?

So, my boyfriend is into the whole zombie thing. Obsessed, really. Its oddly charming. Now, I rather hate zombies, they freak me out. However, he has me rather firmly seated in the whole lets be ready for zombies! craze and he is really good at playing into my paranoia about being overly prepared for any and all emergency situations. So, why not? Kind of a cute thing to bond over, right? Now, if he wants a zombie wedding...nope, nope, nope. I can wait for the apocalypse to be filthy and carrying a machete everywhere I go.

Ooh, Zombies, Zombies everywhere!

Zombie Pandemic
Zombie Pandemic

Will you survive the zombie apocalypse?

Updates in the Life of the Wanna-Be-Author

One - I am missing the letter p and most of the punctuation from my keyboard due to water being dumped on the poor thing at my 21st birthday. Which brings us to the second update!

I turned 21! Wicked, right? Now I just need the ID that says Im 21. Like Mark says "you arent REALLY 21 until you have the ID to prove it"

I got my first tattoo. Damned awful experience, really. The tattoo artist had an immediate dislike for me. I cant imagine why. Clearly my charming personality was lost on him. He seemed to be terribly annoyed at having to come into work and stormed into the building late. First sign that this wasnt going to be so pleasant. It took him half and hour to call me over at which point he revealed that he hadn't done his own sketch and was simply going to apply my original sketch directly to my calf. the look on my face was rather like "oh.....you don't say..." but I went with it. I didnt pay attention to his improvised shading because I was far to preoccupied with the fact that he was pushing far deeper than necessary and seemed to relish the pain he was causing me. My friends were watching in what I read as horror while he worked. Confirmed later. I was far too stubborn to ask him to be a little gentler and chance him giving me another look that screamed girls shouldn't get tattoos! He pushed all the harder when my leg shook. Not my fault, I have no control over shaking when my body goes into shock. Your leg would move too if it were being drilled into, lol. By the end, I was ready to scream or pass out but I was determined not to, because it would only give him the satisfaction of knowing I couldn't quite handle it. I limped away from the table after over an hour of this and then had the pleasure of watching him very, very gently put a flower on my blonde best friends ass (she has really perky tits, btw) Like Baywatch ones.

Finally got my ears pierced again, lol. Not what I expected either. I was thinking they'd do a gun like back when I was ten. Oh no, it was a big ass needle they shoved through my ears. Hurt like a bitch! Too bad I didn't realize I needed to eat before I did that. Damn near passed out from low blood sugar. BUT they look great and they're healing great, so lesson learned and happy ending there.

I'm getting close to my 2 year anniversary now. Never thought I would be able to say that. But it is wonderful to be in love. Despite all the crap that comes with being in a relationship, when there is love, its all worth it. Every day its worth it. Good stuff, right?

Since the last time I posted, I lost two of my babies. My patches was 12 years old, ancient for a big breed. My little Rosie was barely 2. I was devastated. I still cant think about them without crying.

Life has been hectic these days....so much to do, so much to forget, so much to struggle through, that blogging hasn't been a priority in quite some time. I miss vlogging but I'm webcamless now, so might as well get back in the habit of blogging the old fashioned way. lol. Maybe even REALLY old fashioned. Like writing in a diary, like when I was a kid.  

So, I'm Not a Twilighter

However, way back in the day, when Twilight first made it out on the scene, I got dragged into watching the films because my closest friends were Twilighters. Not Twi-hards, thank the gods, but Twilighters to a mid-level of craziness extent. And ever since, I've watched each film that comes out. Luckily, they do get better from the beginning. The first one, is complete and absolute crap;. It looks cheap and poorly done. I hate the books, btw, so if you're a big Twilight fan, run far away from me, I won't say many good things. Now I don't hate Twilight, mind you. I think the author is just terrible. The writing stinks. The two main characters are so annoying that the whole time you're reading OR watching, you kind of want them to just up and die. BUT, the side characters are actually more than decent. They're fun and entertaining and interesting. And they're the reason to watch the movies. Because it'll make you laugh and you enjoy everyone outside of Bella and Edward, a.k.a. Ms. Apathetic Addict and Sir Misplaced Knight Complex. My extreme dislike for Bella and Edward was potent and vicious up until the most recent film, in which I gained mild respect for Bella's character when she becomes a new mom, determined to keep her blood sucking offspring. Edward, still hate him. But, all this hate goin' round is probably why in the most recent film, the best so far, we kind of get this sick satisfaction and pleasure out of watching Edward essentially rip Bella open. It's pretty graphic and gross. But Bella finally dies. Doesn't stay dead. But dies. And I think most of us enjoyed watching it happen. The rest of us, may not have been "oh yay, the wicked witch is dead" but everyone is happy for her to finally be a freakin vampire. Because we were all hoping it'd make her less annoying. P.S. Stephanie Meyer, you treated Jacob like crap throughout your damned series.....and THEN you saddled him with an infant bride. It was SO creepy watching him fall in love instantly....with a baby. That was just weird as all Hell to watch. And it looked like it was weird as all Hell for him too. It was pretty damn funny watching Bella try desperately to get into Edward's pants. She clearly likes it rough. And as always, Bella's dad is seriously funny. Poor guy, sending his barely legal daughter off to get laid on a private island. For a side character, he is a favorite for many. But Twilight is all about side characters. Because it's just hard to tolerate the two main ones. Edward....stop choosing chess over sex. There really isn't a comparison. Well, for now that concludes my ramble on Twilight's latest. Dear Twihards who may stumble onto my post....don't bitch at me. I don't care if you like Bella or Twilight "changed your life", that's fine with me. Opinions can be different. Spice of life and all that. Diversity is good. Yada, yada, peace and all that jazz.

Got My Ass Squeezed By Sexy Cupid

Love means giving someone your heart and the map of where to cut you the deepest, where it will hurt the most. And you hope to the Gods that they wont do it. And when they do cut your heart open, it hurts so badly that there aren't words to describe it and you can't even fathom what you ever did, in loving them, that it caused them to do it. Then those that have left you with the greatest scars, those that tell you that you have disappointed them or that make you feel as if you have.....they then tell you how much they care for you and somehow....that only cuts deeper.

It is when those that are closest to us do the hurting that our pain is the most excruciating. I always felt like a pet. Like a pet that no matter how hard I tried to do everything I could to make everyone happy, I was never good enough. In the arms of the one I love, I do not feel that way. Sometimes I want to curl up in his arms and stay there forever, rather than face the world where I disappoint everyone in my life. There is the only place that I feel safe and loved.

Love means needing to be with someone at your best, at your worst, and all the spaces in between. And at theirs. You don't want to spend a moment without them and yet you are so afraid that you'll scare them away that at times you feel over clingy and at others you feel too distant. When they love you back, they want to be with you just as much. But when you're insecure, you don't trust that as well as you should, though likely will come to if given time.

It is the damage of the past that leaves us with the scars that hinder us in the future. Past relationships, past encounters, past dealings, past friendships, past human-type creatures influence how we are with new human-type creatures. Just because the first one left, doesn't mean they all will. Just because LoserA cheated, doesn't mean Potentially-A-LoserB will. Just because BFF5 left you for a new friend, doesn't mean BFF26 will do the same, though if you're on BFF26, there could be a trend here in the people you are choosing.

Love means wanting them to be happy even when that doesn't include being with you, means caring more about their welfare than your own. That means being willing to take a bullet for them, hurtling metal or figurative. It means wishing them well with someone else even when in your heart, you're hurting so badly, you want to tear the damned blood-pumping organ out of your chest. It means standing by and staying close and being a friend when in the deepest crevices of your dying soul, all you want to be is their everything, as they are yours. It means more than being willing to walk through Tartarus to bring them water. It means begging Hades to trade their soul for yours.

"You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."



"Like everybody who is not in love, he thought one chose the person to be loved after endless deliberations and on the basis of particular qualities or advantages."

"Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones, as the wind extinguishes candles and fans fires."

"I believe in the compelling power of love. I do not understand it. I believe it to be the most fragrant blossom of all this thorny existence."

"In love the paradox occurs that two beings become one and yet remain two."

Love means more than just wanting to tell someone you love them or even telling them what is in your heart. It means trying again and again to explain the depth of those feelings even when you don't know how and reminding them how much you love them regularly because you always love them. It means loving them all the time, not just sometimes. It means loving them through everything, means loving them when you're fighting, and kissing them when an argument is over.



"Love is a force more formidable than any other. It is invisible - it cannot be seen or measured, yet it is powerful enough to transform you in a moment, and offer you more joy than any material possession could."
 
"Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies."
 
"Love is the joy of the good, the wonder of the wise, the amazement of the Gods."

"Love is the magician that pulls man out of his own hat."
 
"Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place."
 
"Love that is not madness is not love."

Put Away the Vacuum

   Life is one big mess. We're all individual messes. Everything's just plain messy. Nothing's ever simple. Some things are just less complicated than others. We just make things simple. We put them into simple terms and make it all black and white. Simplicity doesn't really exist. Everything is a jumbled mess of emotions and choices and decisions and words and people and things. Some things are covered in dust, others are in disrepair. Your relationship may be a leaky faucet. Your home life may be an old blue van with a busted out window and a really low tire in the back. Or your life could be a happy mess. Messy isn't necessarily a bad thing. Messy can be a good thing. At some point in my messy-as-all-Hell life, the scale tipped from bad messy to better messy and then there was some weird sparkly powder thrown over everything that smells of some mythical substance called....hippieness....hiperness....Happiness! That's it. Sometimes, when you're busy digging through piles of crap and drama and chaos, happiness, or whatever it's called, sneaks up and bites you in the ass. Yay for being bitten in the ass by Cupid or fairies or whatever the hell it is that spreads love and happy feelings. I bet it's Luna Lovegood. If you get bitten in the ass by Luna Lovegood, lovey good things will happen to you. Bad joke? Yes. But you probably laughed anyway.

Pretty Sure These Are the Psychotic Droids You're Looking For

   There comes a point where you find yourself in the most interesting position in life, a special gray area that leaves you confused and spinning out of control. There's an animal inside that is interpreting that overflow of emotion as a damn good excuse to scream and fight and snarl and drink and break things. You turn the music up higher and let Nickelback and Metallica help you think violent thoughts, entertain lusty ideas and contemplate causing massive destruction. That filter in your brain that normally tells you when to shut the hell up just poofs off to Useless Land, along with all your sense and ability to function. All that control you've painstakingly trained yourself to have dives out the nearest window like Tom chasing Jerry around a really tall cartoon building. It hovers there for a second and waves at you then falls. Fast. And hits the ground. Hard. But unlike Tom, it doesn't pop back up good as new. It's in millions of little pieces. And while you're sitting there, trying desperately to form them back together into something that vaguely resembles it's previous shaping and hopefully, ability to function, all that excessive emotion turns into a tidal wave that picks you up and flings you half way across the world and so far back in time that you can barely stand up when you finally crash into unfamiliar ground. Knights of old are slashing at you, while their horses trample you. All the fight in you comes out as some kind of a mask you wear to hide away everything else and you kick some imaginary ass. When you finally claw your way back to your own familiar Hell on Earth in your own time and place, you're so exhausted and angry at your ineffectual will and strength that you just get pissed and volatile and dangerous. You're growling at everyone and doing stupid self-endangering shit you shouldn't do because when you're like this, the only thing that helps is chaos and fury and pain and passion and lust and that damned vicious and cocky attitude where you remind everyone else that you're a wolf and not a golden retriever. You can go from a sad lethargy to a frightening bloodlust in a tenth of a second and have some idiot on the floor at your feet before either of you know what's happened. You can jump to self-destructive behavior so fast it almost makes you look cool. There are so many emotions beating at your insides with little baseball bats, hammers and axes that you don't even bother trying to seperate them out and put them all in corners for time outs. It's a whole new way to go with the fucked up flow of Life, the biggest bitch you'll ever meet. She knows how to put someone through Hell and much as you want to feel like you're the match she never anticipated, you're not. She'll win in the end. But you want to drag it out and feel like you're putting up a good fight. Give her time and she'll find that one weakness that'll break you. That one thing that won't just break you. That one thing that'll break you, put you back together, break you again, and keep the cycle going. That one thing that no matter how many times it breaks you, you know you'd die without it. The one thing that you want more than anything else in the whole damn world but that can never be yours. That thing that you would die for and that one that you live for. She'll set that one thing in front of you and make you watch it be someone else's everything. When you find yourself in this interesting little gray area, there are really two options. You could walk back into the black and white area, but chances are that there's no way in Hell you're going to make it back because every step you take away from the gray area, it gets harder and harder to breathe. Or, you try to head for the super bright happy color area. But the faster you run, the further it moves away from you, or is it that just you being so scared that it will vanish that you have no idea you're only two feet from it and just aren't moving? Who the hell knows? Third option. You can just go with it and sit down in your gray area and wait for another tidal wave to carry your ass to new and interesting places.

Aveti Grija de Musca de la Ea-lup

The Wolf and The Woman




Turn the wheel and wreck the car.

Squeeze too tight and stop the heart.

Jump too soon and fall too far.

Wait too long and you’ll fly apart.



Crash and burn, it’s bound to be.

Break and bleed, til the world screams.

Watch the room shake around me.

Take my pain to my dreams.



Listen to her howl for release from her prison.

Violence will return her to sleep.

She hunts among the flock of treason.

But she never worries how many are the sheep.



Walk into the barrel of the gun,

Demand that She take the shot.

It would be foolish to run,

But love has nothing to do with thought.



Pick up the pieces and put them away.

Toss the key into the river and hope it sinks.

Still She unlocks the cage day after day.

There’s too much emotion; neither of us thinks.



Walk off the edge and hit the floor.

Need too much and the soul follows.

Love enough and you’ll just want more.

She picks up the bottle and swallows.

Down the Rabbit Hole

I'm sitting alone in my room again. As usual, really. Wondering what it is that lands me in this particular spot so often. Cross-legged on the floor in front of my laptop or behind a book or with pen in hand. Listening to music, to which I'm swaying, of course, because it makes sense and hits home. Maybe chatting over Skype. Maybe just thinking. Why is this where I always end up? Alone. Sad. Grasping at words, trying to make them into something someone else could understand.

If I sit alone long enough, I'll start thinking about other things. Where do I go when I die? Will I cease to exist? I can't wrap my head around the idea of not existing somehow, in some way.

How many mistakes have I made? I can think of hundreds right here and now. How many don't I know about?

What's up with love? Wtf is this stuff? It's the most complicated simple thing that exists in this weird world.

Sometimes I can't even remember my own opinions.

Me in a Bottle of Jack Daniels

“I'm nothing but a lone wolf, misunderstood and labeled to be dangerous.”

“All right, then, I'll go to hell.”

“If you have to think about whether you love someone or not then the answer is no. When you love someone you just know.”

“A girl is a person who screams at the mouse and smiles at the wolf”

“Love is what makes two people sit in the middle of a bench when there is plenty of room at both ends”

“Why join the navy if you can be a pirate?”

“Your heart is my piñata.”

“You know, all writers are vampires and ... they'll look around and they watch you when you're not even thinking they're watching you and they'll slip stuff in.”

“If you are going through hell, keep going.”

“The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved -- loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.”

“Live with wolves, and you learn to howl”

“Love is of all passions the strongest, for it attacks simultaneously the head, the heart and the senses.”

“When other little girls wanted to be ballet dancers I kind of wanted to be a vampire.”

“Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.”

“Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner”

“The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive.”

“Love is like seaweed; even if you have pushed it away, you will not prevent it from coming back.”

“A gentleman is simply a patient wolf.”

“"Nunquam lamiae morde me dice" -- "Never say bite me to a Vampire”

“Believe in love. Believe in magic. Hell, believe in Santa Clause. Believe in others. Believe in yourself. Believe in your dreams. If you don't, who will?”

“There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.”

“I wanted to make a small movie about a guy and a girl on the beach, but then I thought, wouldn't it be cool if a werewolf was there?”

“A fox is a wolf who sends flowers.”

“If you talk the talk, you damn well better walk the walk.”

“That old black magic has me in its spell, That old black magic that you weave so well; Icy fingers up and down my spine, The same old witchcraft when your eyes meet mine”

“Leprechauns, castles, good luck and laughter. Lullabies, dreams and love ever after. Poems and songs with pipes and drums. A thousand welcomes when anyone comes... That's the Irish for you!” (And don't forget the whiskey)

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe.”

“The heart is the only broken instrument that works.”

WANTED: Angel of Death. Experience Required, That Way It Sticks

Post Removed....but I liked the title, lol. So I left it there.

Casper, You Bring That Back!

Took all day but my room is now quite clean. It never really gets dirty. But it gets cluttered every now and then. I'm the type to have books and papers and notebooks stacked all over the place. Give those stacks time and gravity will eventually decide to make them into piles. Somehow, despite my OCD organizing (which requires all things be in particular places) random small things end up in these piles. One earring, my bookmark, my lighter (I don't smoke) and other things. I imagine this is partly because my sister is always moving things around no matter how much I yell. Also, we do have that joke around here about the playful little spirits who are always taking things and putting them elsewhere. Live here for a while and you start to believe it, trust me. No joke, I will put something down on the table and come back ten minutes later and it'll be in another room. And this'll happen when I'm here all alone. I like to think my near-century old home has character.

This just wasn't my day, I have to say. I started off impaling the side of my knee (super awkward place for injury!) in the very sharp corner of my nightstand. That hurt. Who makes nightstands with corners that sharp anyway? Then I got stung by an insect I couldn't identify. And it stung me in the middle part of my arm where nurses stick needles in (also a super awkward place!). Then my dog got tangled up in his rope so when I went to fix it, he filled my shoes with dirt. I went over to clean them out with the hose and hit the side of my ankle into one of those irritating needlepoint weeds. One of them stuck into my ankle (another really awkward place for an injury!) So, that made for discomfort all freakin day.

But! Yes, folks, there's a but! My room is clean and organized so I'm at least glad about that.

Cheers, Everyone! The Headless Horseman Has Arrived!

Music, music, music. On the one hand, my beloved music is a cruel lover who pokes at my sorest spot. On the other hand, what would I do with myself if I couldn't headbang and kareoke the night and early morning away to it when I'm so damned sad that I want to drown myself in a bucket of water. Oh yes, a bucket. Because I'm morbidly whimsical that way.

I'm so distracted. So out of it. So....AHHH! Confused and emotionally mixed up right now. It's weirdness and insanity.

"You'll never see the moments coming that will for ever mutilate your life-at least not until after they've mowed you down." (SAVITAR)




“Of course life is bizarre, the more bizarre it gets, the more interesting it is. The only way to approach it is to make yourself some popcorn and enjoy the show.”



“To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.”

“Love is like seaweed; even if you have pushed it away, you will not prevent it from coming back.”



“Trying to make someone fall in love with you is about as pointless as trying to control who you fall in love with.”



“If you have to think about whether you love someone or not then the answer is no. When you love someone you just know.”



“Love is what makes two people sit in the middle of a bench when there is plenty of room at both ends”



“The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive.”
 
And so many more things of the like are dancing about my head, demanding that I find myself a muse so I can spill them out on paper or computer screen or whatever medium is most convenient.

*Rolls The Dice*

Wouldn't life be simpler if you could just roll the dice and see what you get? Option seven? Awesome. Let's go with that.

Hmn, let's try this out and see if it works. I'm going to write out a list of options and I'm going to roll a set of dice (really) just to see if this form of decision making works.

1) Just say yes
2) Hold on for what you really want
3) Eat a cookie
4) Just end it
5) Read a book and ignore your problems
6) Lock yourself in your room until the problems go away
7) Cut ties with everyone to avoid future problems
8) Try to make everyone else happy
9) Run away
10) Ask someone for advice and go with what they say
11) Blog about it pointlessly ^_^
12) Roll the dice again for another answer

Ok, now to go and get the dice out of the Yahtzee box

Hahaha, number 8. That figures. So the usual then?

I should never do these sorts of experiments.

This Would Be The Perfect Time To Get Fairy Godparents

Annoyed. Lonely. Depressed. Tired. Disappointed. Mad. Sad. Probably crazy. Loving. Hating. Wanting. Crying. Don't ya hate it when you're feeling fifty things at once and you know it? Normally we aren't aware of more than one or two feelings at a time. We're pretty good about that. But sometimes you're feeling it all at once and it bites. Not sure what to feel because you're feeling everything.

Creative. Defeated. Broken. Excited. Scared. Embarrassed. I'm actually not just throwing random things in, either. Just the ones I'm feeling right now. Isn't that weird?

Impatient. Mortified. Rejected. Insulted. Apprehensive. You ever just start to feel like you don't give a flying Sharkey....'s knitting needle....about anything in the world anymore? Just could care less whether you live or die, what you do, where you are. You're just there. Going with the flow and feeling like you've completely given up. I'm at that stage. It's not a nice stage. Or at least I would think it wasn't a nice stage, if I really cared what stage I'm at.

Confused. Worthless. Angry. Miserable. Stupid. Like I'm in a constant state of pain. Like crap. Can't forget that one.

IN love. IN hate. IN who the hell knows what? Getting lost in books and in tv shows and in daydreams. Anything but reality.

Standing under the showerhead and just staring at the wall, hoping it's going to start talking back in a wise-sounding voice that seems to know the answers to all. Like the giant turtle thing from Avatar: The Last Airbender.

Spill it, Timmy. Where did you get Cosmo and Wanda?

Eros, You Are So Losing This Battle To Eris

"Love is one big complicated board game that no one knows the rules to and everyone is playing their own way. We just keep rolling the dice and scooting across the spaces around and around, hoping to eventually land on the right one." ( from my un-published novel, which will end up as popular as Brian Griffin's "Faster Than The Speed of Love")

Men, love, people, life, *screams on the inside*. Good grief. Complicated. Annoying. Wild. Depressing. Trying. Failing. Screwing up. Guy one. Guy two. Guy three. Random chick. ^_^ Oye ve. Relationships bite. Like a virus-carrying mosquito. Sharkey disagrees, since she votes the mosquitoes kill you quicker. Which is true.

Life is never like it is in romance novels. Lol. No sexy dark-hunter to love you despite your flaws, who comes out of no where, larger than life, totally bad ass but sweet and caring too. Ha! The women who are supposed to be "average" or "flawed" in those novels are like stunningly perfect next to the real thing. I would LOVE to be the kind of "average" the women in those books are. Man, I love my books, but they can be SOOO depressing.

Love. WTH? Yeah, that pretty much defines it. It's supposed to be the ultimate in the world. The best and worst thing. The greatest treasure. It's more like complicated, exhausting, irritating CHAOS.